The Essentialist's Glossary: Updated for the 'Teens (N-Z)
Today, we bring you the concluding third of our Essentialist Glossary. The first two thirds can be found here: The Essentialist’s Glossary: Updated for the ‘Teens (A-F), and here The Essentialist’s Glossary: Updated for the ‘Teens (G-M), respectively.
A hat that conveniently holds your iPod nano…
A three letter word for “perpetual surveillance”.
A contemporary episode of extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds. (See also “The C Spot”.)
Old Alan Greenspan
biographical name \ˈōld A-luhn ˈGrēn-ˌspan\
“The Maestro”. Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Wild rumors contend that he was Young Al Greenspan but given their polar opposite views… that’s impossible. (See also Young Al Greenspan.)
noun \ˈpe-nē ˈstäk\
Total amount of red cents in circulation.
noun \ˈpərs-nə-ˌlīzd ˈme-də-sən\
Addressing a patient by first name… before ramming a tongue depressor down their throat.
The U.S. empire’s saving grace. Refers to an agreement whereby oil producing nations price crude only in dollars. If you’re shown the word on Jeopardy, the correct response is: “What would Nixon do?”
noun \ˈp-ē ˈrā–shē-ˌō\
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
A highly technical term meant to convince homo digitaliens they really can have something for nothing… (See also Homo Digitaliens.)
An experimental drug used to ward off infestations of the dreaded Tapir. Often confused with QE. (See also Tapir. and QE.)
noun \ri-ˈje-nə-ˌrā-tiv ˈme-də-sən\
A hopeful strategy employed by investors seeking to “regenerate” the money lost in their retirement accounts.
biographical name \ˈräb-ərt tri-fən\
A dead economist whose been rolling in his grave since 1993 (See also Triffin Dilemma.)
Small Towns and Old Towns
nouns \smol ˈtauns ən(d)ˈōld ˈtauns\
Where people go to have their midlife crises.
noun \shwǣr ˈü-bər-ˈleg- ən\
Either the kind of reasoning one does based on first-hand experience or the winner of the Gold Medal in the luge in Nagano 1998. We don’t speak German, so we’re not sure.(See also Leicht Denken.)
noun \sen-ˈsā-shən ˈməŋ-gərs\
All the madness of crowds that’s fit to print. (See also “C Spot”.)
Significant Base Formation
noun \sig-ˈni-fi-kənt ˈbās fȯr-ˈmā-shən\
This is what you get when you sit around and eat too many donuts while reading the financial news.
What you call gambling when your wife asks what you’re doing.
noun \ˈstäk ˈa-nə-ləst\
Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
verb \ˈstäk ˈsplit\
When you ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between them.
A large browsing mammal, similar in shape to a pig, with a short, prehensile snout. It can be found in South and Central America as well as Southeast Asia. For some unknown reason, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke talked about one publicly on May 22, 2013. Soon after the stock market plummeted. Traders have feared the animal ever since.
noun \ˈtri-fən ˈper-ə-ˌdäks\
Piss off domestic holders of a reserve currency or foreign holders. Take your pick. (See also Robert Triffin.)
Unified Theory of Greed (UTG)
noun \ˈyü-nə-ˌfīyd ˈthē-ə-rē ävˈgrēd\
The insight that we are all greedy SOBs, but the real SOB is the guy whose greed — whether for power, money , or love — is not held in check by his wife, the market, or the law.
noun \ˈval-(ˌ)yü in-ˈvest- ng\
The art of buying low and selling lower.
Things you think you know — but usually have no direct experience of and couldn’t pick out of a police lineup if your life depended on it. Most “isms” fall into this category — capitalism, communism, antidisestablishmentarianism.
What you yell after selling your tech stocks to some poor sucker for more than you paid for them.
Young Al Greenspan
biographical Name \ˈyəŋ Ahl ˈGrēn-ˌspan\
“The Undertaker”. A disciple of Ayn Rand’s in the ’50s and ’60s. Wrote the seminal work Gold and Economic Freedom. Soon after, he mysteriously disappeared. Though highly implausible, some rumor that he is related to Old Alan Greenspan. (See also Old Alan Greenspan.)
The sound The Bernanke makes after he sees his fly’s open. (See also The Bernanke.)
The point where every move or decision available to you will worsen your situation… like after you forget your wife’s birthday.
noun \ˈthrē dē ˈprin-tiŋ\
A process by which end-users (or “makers” as they call themselves) can create insane amounts of plastic nick-nacks, virtually at will and barely any cost, with the push of a button.
Ed. Note: Perhaps you have your own definitions? Send ’em to us here: email@example.com. After we receive them, we’ll screen them to make sure they pass the Presbyterian standard… then include them in the glossary. Soon we’ll have a permanent section for them. In the meantime, sign up for the FREE Daily Reckoning email edition, to read them before anyone else.