The Fed Chairman's Oath
For the first time in U.S. history, a woman is now at the reigns of America’s central bank. It’s a daunting and monumental task, and we have every confidence that Ms. Yellen will ably follow in the footsteps of her predecessors. Today we take a look back at the words she recited before taking charge of the U.S. money supply, and by extension, the safety and security of the entire global financial system:
I, Janet Yellen, do solemnly swear…
To create, out of thin air, as much money as humanly possible with complete disregard for the safety or security of the financial system I am charged with protecting;
To drone on incessantly about the inherent complexities of monetary policy, which I shall fervently insist can only be understood by me and a handful of other economists at the Fed;
To speak in a low, monotonous tone that would encourage even the most comatose patients to beg for a swift and painless death;
To coin at least four new phrases for “money printing” that will make it appear as if I am not printing money;
To vehemently deny any accusations of blatant money printing, despite the fact that I am indeed printing money;
To print money and then testify before Congress that I am not printing money, regardless of how much money I’ve printed or intend to print in the future;
To use of at least one outlandish metaphor for providing liquidity to the system (e.g. “dropping money from helicopters,” albeit something less outlandish);
To help create at least one massive financial bubble, allow it to pop, deny I had anything to do with it, then add more liquidity to the system in order to “save the world” and/or win a Nobel Prize;
To keep interest rates artificially low to facilitate said bubble;
And to leave the U.S. economy in generally worse condition than the one in which I found it.
This I promise, in John Law’s name, forever and ever, Amen.
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