Neanderthals in Lingerie

By Tom Dyson

What caused the extinction of the Neanderthals after nearly
260,000 years of healthy survival?

Free trade.

According to the, the Neanderthal was
ousted by the Homo Sapiens, and free trade may have been
the cause.

"Jason Shogren, an economist at the University of Wyoming
in Laramie, says part of the answer may lie in humans’
superior trading habits. Trading would have allowed the
division of labor, freeing up skilled individuals, such as
hunters, to focus on the tasks they are best at. Others,
perhaps making tools or clothes or gathering food, would
give hunters resources in return for meat."

30,000 years after the Neanderthal extinction, it’s
happening again…

Unlike his cave-dwelling ancestor, the modern Neanderthal
hails from a large organized urban dwelling called
Washington D.C.

They may have less body hair, and their knuckles may no
longer drag in the dirt, but the most crucial
characteristic – the characteristic that proved to be the
downfall of their ancient ancestors – is still intact: They
are unwilling to participate in free trade.

And in perfect symmetry with events that took place 30,000
years ago, the free-trading Asians are slowly pushing
Washington-based Neanderthals into extinction.

According to a fresh report from the U.S. Office of
Textiles and Apparels, in just 12 months, China has doubled
its textile and apparel exports to the U.S. The report
compared January 2005 to January 2004, and showed that, in
some categories, exports have surged by over 1000%…

"January shipments of cotton trousers – men’s and boys’
from China rose 989.63 percent while those of cotton
trousers – women’s and girls’ climbed 1,081.29 percent,"
said the Southwest Farm Press. "Cotton shirts – women’s and
girls’ were up 522.68%"

"But official Chinese export numbers," continues the Farm
Press, "indicate the shipments of cotton knit shirts to the
U.S. could be up by more than 1,800% and cotton trousers up
by more than 1,300% from January 2004 to January 2005."

The explanation is simple: On January 1, 2005, a 30-year
global agreement on textile limits came to an end, and
Chinese-made products have since come flooding in.

The garments aren’t only to be found on the bargain racks
either…according to a report Addison Wiggin heard on NPR,
imports of frilly Chinese lingerie are up massively too.

The Neanderthals are incensed. One group of primitive cave
dwellers has asked Washington to enact combative
legislation. Worst of all, under modern Neanderthal law,
congress is legally allowed to do this. Through a safeguard
mechanism, agreed under WTO rules and valid until 2008, the
U.S. can limit imports from China that are proven to be
harmful to domestic industries.

From our humble perch here in the Rude Awakening’s
Baltimore office, just 30 miles from the Capitol, it
appears the administration will spout its free-trade mantra
to anyone who will listen, yet when it doesn’t suit them,
they slam the door shut.

It is precisely these policies that have upset our friendly
neighbors to the North. Please recall our special report
titled: "Backstabbed." [Link follows at the end of this

The boneheads in Washington, we postulated, "are no doubt
ringing their hands in horror at the Canada/China oil

We were, of course, referring to recent long-term crude oil
supply contracts between Canada and China. "Up on the hill,
everyone’s buzzing about the great Canadian Double Cross,"
we said.

Unfortunately, we failed to make the point clearly, and we
offended our dear Canadian readers.

"Your presentation sounds like a temper tantrum," wrote

"As a Canadian, I am really ticked off with your attitude,"
said another.

"Backstabbed?" replied a third. "What a load of horse
hockey and inflammatory hype."

More angry emails poured in…

"Perhaps U.S.A. should have thought about the oil and gas
issues before it illegally destroyed the Canadian softwood
industry or before it decimated the Canadian beef industry
by closing the border to imports of beef."

And another:

"Canada is the one being betrayed here…betrayed by the
U.S. in failing to live up to its trade agreements."


"The standing relationship with the U.S. is nothing but an

"Commerce between nations should be fair and equitable,"
writes one, referring to Franklin’s inscription on the U.S.
Department of Commerce building in Washington.

The only response we have to these emails is one of
complete unreserved agreement. It’s the monkeys in
Washington with whom we take issue…

Fortunately, we can ask our Canadian friends to take solace
in the Neanderthals’ assured demise, while we all profit at
the same time…

Long live free trade!


Did You Notice…?
By Tom Dyson

The world’s richest poker game is ON!

As we reported in last Wednesday’s issue of the Rude
Awakening, Andy Beal, banking billionaire and amateur poker
player challenged a consortium of poker players, led by
well-known poker pro Doyle Brunson, to an eighty-million-
dollar-game of poker.

Tired of reading exaggerated stories – he calls them
"Fisherman’s tales" – about his previous clashes with these
same poker pros, Beal was looking to set the record

Now he has a chance. After several offers and counter
offers, Beal and Brunson have finally agreed on the terms
of the game.

It will be held in Shreveport, Louisiana, and will start on
April 10, 2005.

Each side will deposit $40 million into a bank of Brunson’s
choosing, provided it is one of the nation’s five largest.
The depositors, the casino and the bank will then enter
into an agreement that the full account and all the accrued
interest will be paid to whoever wins the match.

Beal will play against one poker pro at a time, of
Brunson’s choosing. Brunson will have 16 pros to choose
from. The chosen pro will play until he has either won or
lost $8 million. Any winning pro will be excluded from
subsequent play, which means Brunson will have to use at
least five picks to complete the job.

"We will play a minimum of four days per week and a maximum
of seven days per week at my discretion," concludes Beal’s
public response. "This seems reasonable, since there is
only one of me, you have many players, and I have a full-
time job."

"On days that we play, unless mutually agreed otherwise,
the game will begin at 10 a.m. and stop at 4 p.m."

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