My Message To Chelsea Handler, With Hearts and Flowers
I left America in October 1999, never to return.
Well, that wasn’t the plan at the time, but that’s what happened. The plan was to sprinkle my resumé with international experience so I could get into a Top 25 business school.
You see, I partied at Villanova more than I studied. And a 3.1 GPA – my freshman year was a complete write-off – wasn’t good enough to get into a top business school.
So when I was offered a chance to move to London, I jumped at it. If there was one place I knew US b-schools loved, it was the UK.
I expected to be back in the US by 2001, seated in one of the finest schools in the world.
Instead, over two decades later, I’m seated in my home office in Italy.
You know what they say about the best laid plans.
While I’ve been away from America, all sorts of weird things happened.
The Angels, Red Sox, White Sox, Phillies, Cubs(!) and the Giants each won at least one World Series title. What? They were all perennial losers when I was growing up.
The Golden State Warriors went to five straight NBA finals, winning three of them. And they just won another title this past season. In my youth people knew who Chris Mullin was, but not where Golden State actually played.
And of course, in the NFL, the team gleefully known as “The Pisspots” in my youth were a juggernaut dynasty with a quarterback who won more Super Bowls than Joe Montana.
We never went to war when I was young, except that exercise in the Middle East known as the Gulf War. Now we’re at war all day, every day.
People now cut off their body parts, claiming they were born the wrong sex.
And people like Chelsea Handler got famous.
Who Are Ya? Who Are Ya?
That’s the chant English football fans sing when a substitute of no repute is sent on.
Without Googling who she is, this is everything I know about Handler.
She’s a blonde comedian who’s friends with Jennifer Aniston. She once had to remind ex-boyfriend 50 Cent that he was black so he wouldn’t vote for Trump. Handler is also thrilled she had an abortion at 16 so she was able to live the life she has.
That’s it. That’s all I know.
To be clear, that’s no reflection on her professional capabilities. It’s just a stroke of luck that I haven’t lived within earshot of vapid American entertainment for over two decades.
Now before I get into what Handler posted that aroused such opprobrium from the Right Twitterati, let me be clear on a few things.
A Really Sticky Subject
Though I was born Catholic, I never attended church regularly. But for reasons I don’t understand, I’m not a fan of abortion. Never was. But this really isn’t about abortion, per se.
It’s about much larger, intertwining geopolitical considerations, which I’ll get into later.
With that said, the intense fury about abortion, or even anti-natalism, that involuntarily rises in those who can’t, for whatever reason, have children is one I totally sympathize with.
And to be completely transparent, Pam and I tried for years to conceive. About five years into our marriage, Pam finally got pregnant. Micah was born in 2017.
To this day, I marvel at that stretch of my life and how it changed every part of my life going forward.
You see, I thought much more like Handler. Though we weren’t rich, Pam and I lived in a penthouse apartment with a view of the sea in Singapore. The digs got smaller in Hong Kong, but we still lived that young, married couple life most people envy.
When I traveled around the world doing my corporate training, I’d take Pam with me. Just through my teaching gigs, we’ve been to Japan, Taiwan, Hanoi, Melbourne, India, Abu Dhabi, Dubai, London, and Paris.
I got so used to it, I wanted it to last forever. But Pam wanted kids.
Well, until we had Micah. Then suddenly, one child sufficed.
What Did Handler Post?
But back to Handler…
She posted a video for a skit she did on The Daily Show.
Credit and watch it here:@chelseahandler
Did I think it was the funniest thing ever? No.
But to be fair, I lived in England for too long to think American comedians are funny anymore.
Was it the most offensive thing ever?
Of course not.
But by the Right’s reaction, you’d think she was shilling for Stalin. All she did was write the perfect ad for not having children (if you’ve got the money to party like she does).
And that’s why most people have a hard time taking the Right seriously. Because the Right overreacts to even the most innocuous stuff.
Take Matt Walsh, Ben Shapiro’s right-hand man, who tweeted, “Chelsea Handler wants you to know that she’s really happy being a childless 47 year old. Like seriously happy. She’s so happy, you guys. Okay? Nobody says she’s sad. She’s not. Definitely not.”
I, Hypocrite tweeted, “Weapons grade copium.”
Gad Saad tweeted, “Being a parent can be difficult and painful but I would not trade being a father to my children for anything. My daughter just gave me a box of chocolate and flowers for Valentine’s. I’m the richest man for it. [Also retweeted]”
Even Princeton-educated all-around good guy and Superman Dean Cain tweeted, “I never know more happiness and fulfillment than being a father to my son. (and your shooting form is for shit)”
It wasn’t until I ran into this tweet, that I guffawed loudly:
Finally, someone got the joke!
The Best Part About The Left Is They Don’t Reproduce
But the worst part of the above observation is that the political spectrum itself, in virtually all the Northern Hemisphere, let alone the West, has shifted left.
And that means no one is having enough kids.
But The Left cooks up population issues all day long. And you can’t get more left than communism.
So let me show you the most egregious example of communist idiocy: China’s One Child Policy.
My goodness, The Cultural Revolution only killed up to twenty million people.
But the One Child Policy? That’s next level stuff.
The One Child Policy was introduced in 1979 to slow China’s rapid population growth and was formally phased out in 2015.
During its implementation, the policy was enforced differently in different parts of China. There were cases of forced sterilization, forced abortions, and infanticide.
In 2013, China’s National Health and Family Planning Commission reported that since the introduction of the one-child policy, it had prevented approximately 400 million births.
All those souls… It’s a mind-blowing number. And it’s easy to see why the Right gets so bent-out-of-shape about these things.
What’s the result? China is no longer the most populous country on Earth – that’s India – and its population pyramid looks like this:
Too many old people and not enough young people. And too many men and not enough women.
While people like Peter Zeihan have been predicting China’s imminent collapse for years now, I think it’s a slow burn.
But one thing we can agree on is that the One Child Policy was a disaster for China.
Let’s contrast that with India, the new most populous nation on the planet:
Now that’s more like it!
Lots of young people. Few old people to support. Old Indians know when to exit stage left gracefully. It’s great for the social welfare system.
From Macro to Micro
I think eugenics are plain awful. However, if someone says they’re unfit for parenthood, believe them.
If someone says, “You guys fill your house, but I’m not into it,” then fine.
It worked for Helen Mirren. And Candace Bushnell.
If women follow Handler’s example only to be disappointed later, that’s their fault. Not Handler’s. Or yours.
Remember, I don’t believe society is savable.
But people are. Especially you and your children.
I’m positively thrilled Micah won’t have to deal with Handler’s would-be progeny.
I wish all leftists thought like her. Ninety percent of the world’s problems would disappear immediately.
So let’s get selfish. Encourage those who want children to have them as soon as possible. (Boy, I wish I was ten years younger.)
And let’s quietly tolerate those who don’t. They’re probably leftists anyway… who would give birth to more leftists.
As for the gift of parenthood…
I remember not so long ago when Micah, after a long day of playing, was exhausted and laying in my arms on the couch.
As he was about to fall asleep, he looked up at me and said, “Daddy, I love you… with hearts and flowers.” And off to Dreamland he went.
Thank goodness someone else had a plan for me.
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Till next time!