Why Food Prices Must Go Up

Since, being as melodramatic as I can be, all is lost, there is nothing that can be done, except for the government(s) to come up with plans for some new Big Screw Jobs (BSJs) with which to forestall the Big Ugly Inevitable (BUI).

This is the take I get on a Bloomberg article that starts off with, “Speculation and price swings in agricultural markets may threaten food security, 48 farm ministers meeting in Berlin said a month after a United Nations gauge of global costs reached a record.”

There was, alas, nothing in the report about how The Courageous Mogambo (TCM) was there, and who cried out, in his outrage and his grief, “That’s because you morons are all printing money and deficit-spending like it is some kind of freaking virtue or something! Milton Friedman said, and history has proved, that inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon, which, if you don’t understand English, means you must have somebody who does savvy the lingo translate it into whatever indecipherable gibberish you people call a language so that maybe you morons will learn something and stop saying such stupid things! Now, open this door so I can come in there and REALLY tell you all what a bunch of lowlife socialist halfwits you are!”

Instantly, there were, of course, quizzical looks at my concluding reference to “socialists” since, up to that point, the whole conversation was merely about how the prices of food are rising ominously, although nobody mentioned the rises in the prices of energy and taxes, which are as bad or worse!

And although nobody actually said anything to me, I knew what they were thinking. I always know what they are thinking.

They were thinking to themselves, “Nobody said anything about anything socialist! This raving lunatic Mogambo is always ragging on socialists and communists and aliens from outer space and invisible helicopters full of invisible government goons always hovering over his house, shooting some kind of thought-control waves into his stupid head, explaining why he wears that stupid tinfoil hat, but not explaining why he has crumpled the aforesaid tinfoil into what appears to be a snazzy Viking helmet, replete with horns!”

I was intending to make a snotty remark about how I noticed that none of THEM was wearing a tinfoil hat and how none of THEM was buying gold, silver and oil as protection against the raging inflation in prices that is caused by the Federal Reserve creating So Freaking Much Money (SFMM), even when the horror of the latter proves the wisdom of the former.

And Doubly Especially So (DES) when the torrent of new money is borrowed by the government and used for new, obscenely high-and-getting-higher deficit-spending, a pathetic tragedy made “necessary” by the fact that, nowadays, half – half! – of all spending in the Whole Freaking Country (WFC) is government spending, as gigantic wads of money are spent on a long and growing list of things and people that are getting more expensive to maintain because the Federal Reserve is creating So Freaking Much Money (SFFM) that the prices of everything, including supporting them, are going up, and how everyone who can’t see that obvious fact is a Big Fat Moron (BFM)

So, there I was, marshaling my forces for a Legendary Mogambo Onslaught (LMO) against such socialist monetary stupidity when, fortunately, it did not come to that, and I was completely vindicated by French Agriculture Minister Bruno Le Maire saying, “There is a risk of more food riots unless the surge in prices is contained, including through trading regulations”!!!

Those concluding three exclamation points were added by me as both indicating that this, indeed, was pure socialist crap (and with a vicious police-state undertone to boot!) and to say, “Up yours!” to those who thought I was wrong! Containing prices! Trading regulations!

The German Agriculture Minister Ilse Aigner piped up to say that “Food markets may not be the object of gamblers,” which is a huge, industrial-sized load of hoo-hah (and which I think is translated into German as “Grosseloadacrap,” but I am not sure) because Every Freaking Thing (EFT) that I can think of is, somewhere, by somebody, a leveraged bet of some kind, thus literally defining Every Freaking Thing (EFT) as “the object of gamblers”!

Hell, somebody ought to tell this Aigner character that the sheer, monstrous size of the derivatives market – alone! – is at least four times bigger than global GDP, for crying out loud, and which are all (theoretically) bets, which makes a complete mockery of whining about betting on the prices of commodities!

So, commodities, out of all things, should not be the object of gamblers? Hahahaha!

The rationale is, of course, that “Food and agricultural commodities are not like anything else. Sometimes it’s about pure survival,” meaning that people starve to death when they can’t afford to buy any real food, even to augment their grubs-and-roots diet, because the price of food has gone up so high, which it does because prices Always, Always, Always (AAA) go up when the money supply expands so much so fast, like it is now with the Federal Reserve creating so much money, so incredibly much money, so impossibly much money, so outrageously much money that prices Must, Must, Must (MMM) explode upward.

This is seemingly proved when you mystically combine Always, Always, Always (AAA) with Must, Must, Must (MMM) to get MAMAMA, the person for whom you will be crying out, begging her to take you back home to live at her house, perhaps live in her closet, or for her to somehow come back to life after being dead all these years, get a mortgage, buy a house and THEN let you live with her, all because you lost your stupid butt by foolishly ignoring The Mogambo’s advice, the lessons of the Austrian school of economics, Milton Friedman, and 4,500 years of history, which I helpfully distill down to its investment essence: Buy gold, silver, and oil stocks, pronto!

The Mogambo Guru
for The Daily Reckoning