Soliloquy of the Somnambulist
Phew! That was close. We were skeptical, as you might recall. Truth be told, we thought it was all going to end in catastrophe. And yet…
The situation in Europe seems to have been fully resolved. The Spaniards and the Portuguese have put down their torches. The Greeks and Italians have picked up their tools. And the Germans have forgiven them all. What’s more – and this really is incredible – once humorless feds across the land finally punished the real LIBOR riggers, i.e., themselves, for finicking with the dials…then they turned over the pricing of credit to its rightful owner: Mr. Market. Yes, Fellow Reckoner, all is well here on the continent.
But that wasn’t even the BIG news!
Over the past week, more or less, the world has learned that the American economy, once thought to be an empire in its twilight years, is back on track too. The tentacles of Big Government, once so menacing to businesses small and medium, have been lopped off. Stranger still, after a multi-generational commitment to chronic misdeeds and shameful malfeasances, members of Congress finally did the only decent thing one in their position could do…they hung themselves, one by one, from the lamp posts along Pennsylvania Avenue. Celebrations have already begun in towns and cities across the land.
Taking his cue in turn, the Commander in Chief himself also stood down…but not before recalling every last assassin and foot soldier from lands afar.
“We were wrong to think we could bring peace to the world at gunpoint,” he told a press conference yesterday. “That was an arrogant conceit for which we are deeply and eternally sorry.
Furthermore, as to the absurd notion that those of us here in Washington D.C. are capable of governing the good people of this country into prosperity, that we can function as a mandatory repository for outsourced moral obligations to friends and family, that we can, indeed, presume to know anybody’s situation better than they, as stewards of their own lives, can and do…well, we hereby sincerely and humbly apologize for this lie. To repeat, we would like to disabuse all persons, young and old, of this most debasing, corrupting idea.”
Mr. Obama was speaking outside the White House, his former residence, which is to be auctioned off – along with all The State’s other buildings, bureaus, bunkers and bases around the world – later this year. Proceeds raised will be used to make bondholders whole, to the extent that is even possible, as would be the case in a regular default.
Absent the ability to tax, borrow or regulate, the government has ceased to be a concern for ordinary people looking to build businesses and to hire new employees. The jobless are slowly going back to work, innovating, investing, furthering the aims of mankind, flying the flag of progress for humanity.
One man, interviewed in front of the old IRS building (which was burned to the ground over the past weekend to the tears and cheers of joyful onlookers) told the media, “I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders…from the shoulders of people around the country. Taxes on my small business – and others – will vanish. I can afford to increase my staff, build out my company, buy more materials and open more branches.”
As for the maintenance of roads and other crucial infrastructure, which had fallen into disgraceful disrepair under the state, local business communities (now owners of these properties) are working on ways to improve quality and materials. Work has already begun in some parts of the country, drawing from the huge slack in the job force, where able-bodied workers had been effectively priced out of employment by the government’s ridiculous wage laws.
Same story for schools…hospitals…libraries and other once-public buildings that clearly enjoy a strong demand from market participants. Charities and churches are beginning to see a new influx of cash too as some newly “tax-freed” individuals choose to give generously and voluntarily to local projects, knowing their money will be well spent.
The US Postal Service, by contrast, is a dead duck and no longer draws billions in government subsidies to run obscene losses.
In related news, one paper reported that former Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke, was seen yesterday painting traffic lines on the 405 Beltway under a sweltering sun. And photos have begun to surface around the blogosphere of a deranged Paul Krugman, seen digging holes roadside in the Bronx and (in accordance with his idiotic Keynesian theories) demanding people pay him to fill them in again.
“Sir…excuse me sir?”
A voice came from over our shoulder…
“Sir, we’re about to land. You’ll have to return your seat to the upright position.”
“Excuse me?” we asked, still groggy.
“Sir, you’ve been asleep. We’re about to touch down in Paris. I don’t know what you were doing in Vancouver, but it must have been exhausting. You slept the whole flight.”